"Where would I be if not for Your grace, carrying me through every season"
It was January 2020 and I was 7 months pregnant. Though excited, I had been to the hospital twice in 2 months due to low iron and a low blood count. I was advised to not drive as dizziness could come at any moment which could be fatal for all involved.
It was January 2020 and my maternal grandmother with whom I'd lived for most of my pre-marital life, was warded and barely responsive at the general hospital. We had chatted the day before and laughed about life. Now she was just lying on a bed, invaded by life-sustaining tubes and surrounded by the beeping of machines.
It was January 2020 and the permanent and 'pensionable position' I was employed in and reported to, for 20 months, was deemed a mistaken promotion by my employer. My demotion was immediate and unceremonious. My income was lessened by 50% and I was relocated instantaneously.
This was all within the first week of January 2020.
"Where could I go, o where could I go, seeking a comfort for my soul?"
I couldn't pray without crying, weeping actually. When we read that the Lord understands our tears and groans, we never know how reassuring it is until you only have tears and groans to offer.
Of course, the speed in which these events occurred left me reeling. Each time one piece of any of these situations entered my mind, my eyes would be filled with tears. My thoughts were disorganized and erratic and I leaned heavily on my husband for some sort of order day by day. I was blessed to sleep at night, but I would often dream of what my days entailed, and being pregnant, the dreams were supremely vivid and emphasised. I fell asleep many nights just praying for peace in my thoughts and dreams.
Those who knew of what was happening would remind me to 'Trust God' and to remember that 'All things work together for good'. Though I was grateful for the encouragement and support, I wanted to shout at them that I DIDN'T forget God's Word nor did I stop trusting Him. I knew nothing happened that was outside of my God's ability to rectify in a way that would be to my benefit. I KNEW and fully BELIEVED that. Did that knowledge and belief make the situation instantly better or easier to swallow? No, that didn't happen. There was literally no time to understand any information; there was no hinting or slight expectancy; there was only bombardment and rushing... rushing like a flood. I felt like I was swirling - being tumbled and pushed, and though I had feet I simply could not find solid ground.
"On Christ the solid Rock I stand! All other ground is sinking sand..."
All my years of Christianity had come to this: this test of my mind and my health and ultimately my faith. The reality that I was in essence powerless became infuriating. The lack of answers and solutions from those persons in authority at the hospital and at my job catapulted me to a place of war. My prayers were all defensive: to uproot and remove and reveal. I wanted vengeance, but at the time I blindly thought of it as justice.
Then my husband prayed with me, aloud. His prayer was nothing like mine. Instead, he focused on peace in my mind, joy in my heart, strength for myself and our baby, courage to trust God's hand and grace to endure whatever should come. Needless to say, I was weeping at the end of it and his prayer became my prayer. I changed my approach and decided that instead of flailing and reacting to the crashing of life's waves, I would plant my feet firmly on the Rock and let God have His divine and perfect way.
"Grace, grace...God's grace"
One year later and all I can do is praise God and embrace His grace. God's grace looks like our baby girl: born healthy, without complication and currently enjoying life. God's grace looks like comfort after my grandmother left this life soon after her hospitalization. God's grace looks like 50% less household income and our utility bills being paid, grocery meeting us at our home, and not having to worry about car fuel for months as we had nowhere to go due to Covid-19.
God's grace looks like no depression, no bitterness, no hurt. True to the Word, God's grace looks like a sound mind despite the tumult that was raging in my life one year ago.
Our God is our Shield; our God is our Victory; God is our Comfort; and His grace will always be more than enough.
Grace & Peace,